The Practice of Forgiveness using REACH

[from 'Authentic Happiness' by Martin Seligman]

RECALL the hurt, in as objective a way as you can. Do not think of the other person as evil. Do not wallow in self-pity. Take deep, slow, and calming breaths as you visualise the event.

EMPATHISE by trying to understand from the perpetrator’s point of view why this person hurt you. This is not easy, but make up a plausible story that the transgressor might tell if challenged to explain. To help you do this, remember the following:

• When others feel their survival is threatened, they will hurt innocents.
• People who attack others are themselves usually in a state of fear, worry, and hurt.
• The situation a person finds himself / herself in, and not his/her underlying personality, can lead to hurting.
• People often don’t think when they hurt others; they just lash out.

ALTRUISTIC gift of forgiveness. First recall a time you transgressed, felt guilty, and were forgiven. This was a gift you were given by another person because you needed it, and you were grateful for this gift. Giving this gift usually makes us feel better. As the saying goes:

If you want to be happy … for an hour, take a nap … for a day, go fishing … for a month, get married … for a year, get an inheritance … for a lifetime, help someone.

But we do not give this gift out of self-interest. Rather, we give it because it is for the trespasser’s own good. Tell yourself you can rise above hurt and vengeance. If you give the gift grudgingly, however, it will not set you free.

COMMIT yourself to forgive publicly. Write a letter of forgiveness to the offender, or write a poem or song, or tell a trusted friend. These are all contracts of forgiveness that lead to the final step.

HOLD onto forgiveness. This is another difficult step, because memories of the event will surely recur. Forgiveness is not erasure; rather, it is a change in the tag lines that a memory carries. It is important to realise that the memories do not mean unforgiveness. Don’t dwell vengefully on the memories, and don’t wallow in them. Remind yourself that you have forgiven, and read the documents you have composed.